Aristophanes’
LYSISTRATA
Translated by
George Theodoridis
©2000
The Characters.
|
Women: |
Men |
|
|
|
|
Lysistrata |
Cinesias |
|
Caloniki |
Magistrate |
|
Myrrhini |
Athenian delegate 1 (Polycharides) |
|
Lampito |
Athenian Delegate 2 |
|
Women’s leader ((Stratyllis) |
Manes (silent) |
|
Nikothiki |
Cinesias baby |
|
Kallyki |
Spartan Herald |
|
Lampito |
Spartan Delegate 1 |
|
Boetian (Ismenia) |
Spartan Delegate 2 |
|
Corinthian whore |
Drakis |
|
Skythian - Female archer/policewoman(silent) |
Philourgos |
|
Other members of Stratylliss group |
Phadrias |
|
|
Strynidoros |
|
|
4 Scythian Archers/policemen(silent) |
|
|
Various vagrants (silent) Other members of Drakis group (silent)
|
|
|
ACT 1
Scene 1
BEFORE THE CURTAIN IS RAISED OR ON A DIMLY LIT STAGE WHERE ONLY SHADOWS ARE VISIBLE, THE CHORUS IS ON SHADE, BARELY VISIBLE BECAUSE OF THE DULL LIGHTING AND DARK SHADOWS.
SUDDEN INTRODUCTION OF, Violent, disturbing, martial tambourines.
FADE OUT: Tambourines
FADE IN: Passionate pleas by a mix of women’s voices, and cries of owls.
WOMEN’S VOICES:
They are standing at profile to the audience so that the shadows of their pleading hands can be accentuated.
Cry, all you mothers! Cry for your Adonis! Cry!
Cry! Adonis! Lament the death of Adonis! Cry,
cry mothers! Your Adonis is gone! Adonis is gone
for ever! Beautiful to all eyes, Adonis is gone!
Lament his death, mothers of sons!
ANGRY WOMAN 1 (within):
Tits and clits! Tits and clits! That’s what all this is about! That’s all they are ever after!
ANGRY WOMAN 2 (within):
That and war!
ANGRY WOMAN 3 (within):
Blood and gore!
RAISE CURTAINS OR TURN ON APPROPRIATE STAGE LIGHTS.
DAWN. A PUBLIC PLACE IN ATHENS AT THE FOOT OF THE ACROPOLIS, THE ENTRANCE OF WHICH IS A LARGE GATE AT THE CENTRE OF THE STAGE. GATE AND PARTHENON ARE PROMINENT. THIS IS WHERE THE WHOLE PLAY TAKES PLACE. THE WALLS ON THE INSIDE AND ON EITHER SIDE OF THE GATE HAVE PARAPETS WHERE ACTORS WILL APPEAR AT VARIOUS TIMES. LYSISTRATA IS HOLDING AN “INVITATION” WHICH SHE WAVES ABOUT FURIOUSLY AS SHE PACES BACK AND FORTH. AN ARCHER (FEMALE POLICE WOMAN) GUIDES TWO DRUNKEN DERELICTS THROUGH LEFT TO RIGHT.
FADE OUT SOUND OF OWLS. PAUSE.
LYSISTRATA
Had I sent an invitation for one of those orgiastic parties held by
Little Dick or High Dick or Low Clit, you wouldn't be able to get through
all the bum-and drum-beaters clogging the streets. But for this, no!
Oh, no! Not a bloody woman in sight! Not one of them!
(Pause. Sees Caloniki in the distance, SL)
Ah, except for my neighbour! Thank goodness...
Hi, Caloniki!
ENTER CALONIKI
CALONIKI:
Hi to you too, Lysistrata! Oh, but look at you, darling! Such frowns, such arrows for eyebrows! Not good for you babe. They’re so horribly ugly!
LYSISTRATA
I’m fuming, Caloniki! I’m boiling inside. Damned women! Why on earth do men think we’re smart and cunning and capable of anything and everything?
CALONIKI:
Because we are, darling, we definitely are!
LYSISTRATA
But you call them to a meeting, to a proper meeting, to discuss something of some importance -none of that obscene and trivial stuff they’re always on about- and where are they? Deaf and asleep!
CALONIKI:
But they have heard you, darling. They have. It’s just that… you know how it is. A woman’s exit from her abode is very, very difficult! Some have to go down on their husband, others to raise their slave, others still, to put the baby to sleep, another still has to wash it, feed it, clean its poop…
20
LYSISTRATA
There are far more important things to worry about than all that stuff!
CALONIKI:
Well? What is it, darling? What is this thing that’s so important, you had to bring together every woman in Greece? Is it such a big thing?
LYSISTRATA
Huge.
CALONIKI:
Oh? And thick?
LYSISTRATA
O, it’s thick, all right!
CALONIKI: (Excited at a misconstrued prospect)
Well then, where on earth are they all?
25
LYSISTRATA(Realises Caloniki is on the wrong prospect)
No, no, it’s not what you’re thinking of, my dear. If it had been that, we’d all be well and truly here by now. No, it’s something else. Something that’s bothered me for a long time now. Believe me, I’ve lost a great deal of sleep, tossing over this one.
CALONIKI:
Ah, so, it’s a very delicate little thingy, then, this thing you’ve been tossing over?
LYSISTRATA
I’ll tell you how delicate a thing it is, Caloniki! I’ve discovered that the salvation of the whole of Greece depends upon us, upon our tits and clits! That’s how delicate a thing it is! Tits and clits! That’s what it’s all about!
CALONIKI:
Upon our tits and clits?
(She lifts first one tit then the other as if to balance them)
A delicate little thingy indeed! What a precarious balancing act!
LYSISTRATA
All these awful goings on in our city, Caloniki! Just think! We’ll be rid of them all! All of them... Spartans, the lot!
CALONIKI:
Oh, yes, of course! Out with the Spartan bastards!
35
LYSISTRATA
And of all the Boetians, too.
CALONIKI:
Ah, the Boetians! Well, the Boetians themselves, yes; their delicious eels, though, Lysistrata, absolutely not!
LYSISTRATA
As for Athens, my tongue won’t utter a thing but you get my meaning… If all the women would gather here, Caloniki, from Boetia, from Sparta, all of them, believe me - all of us, together, we can save Greece!
CALONIKI:
Us? But my dear, what have we women ever done that’s intelligent or that requires any skill? We all just sit around on our bums all day looking pretty, begemmed, beflowered and plastered with make-up, naked under our see-through saffron gowns and wearing our cute little “fuck-me-please” slippers!
LYSISTRATA
Exactly! That’s exactly the stuff by which I’m planning to save Greece, darling! With the scents and the make-up and the flowers and those cute little “fuck-me-please-I’m-cute” slippers and the dainty little see-through gowns!
45
CALONIKI:
What? What on earth could you achieve with that stuff?
LYSISTRATA
Peace, my dear! Peace among men! No longer will a man thrust his spear against another man!
CALONIKI:
Is that right? Well then, if that’s the case I’m off to powder myself right now…
LYSISTRATA
Nor will he raise a shield in front of him...
CALONIKI:
Mmm… and to put on my see-through...
LYSISTRATA
Nor will he ever carry a sword...
CALONIKI:
Ohhhh! And my cute little “fuck-me-please” slippers...
LYSISTRATA
So! Shouldn’t all these women have been here by now?
55
CALONIKI:
Definitely. They should all have flown right over .
LYSISTRATA
Yea, well, what do you expect? Damned Athenian women! Always late! Late for everything. Damn it! Not even those from the shore!
CALONIKI:
Yet I do know that they have hopped off their cunts early this morning and they’re on their way, they’re… coming right now, I’m sure!
LYSISTRATA
Grrr! Not even those I thought showed some real interest in this! They’re not here yet, either… God, not even the Acharnians!
CALONIKI:
But, darling, even Theagenes’ wife is coming. I saw the superstitious twit visiting Hecate’s temple before setting off… Aha! Here they all are! I told you! They’re coming, Lysistrata, all of them! (Pinches her nose) Phew! Where on earth are they all from?
LYSISTRATA
Bog Burrow! Twenty Ks south of Thebes!
CALONIKI:
Phew! Well, then, let’s not stir them up any more than we have to, shall we? Pooooh!
ENTER MYRRHINI. SHE’S WEARING A BEAUTIFUL GOWN WITH WHICH SHE IS VERY HAPPY AND WITH WHICH IS OFTEN PREOCCUPIED BY DISPLAYING ADMIRINGLY AT EVERY OCCASION; SO MUCH SO THAT HER WORDS IN LINE 114 HAVE SOME EFFECT.
69
MYRRHINI:
We’re not too late, are we Lysitrata? Well, what’s up, darling? Speak up, then!
LYSISTRATA
Everyone’s heard exactly what it’s all about, Myrrhini! I’m not impressed with you, at all!
MYRRHINI:
But it took me ages to find my knickers in the dark, Lysistrata. Anyway, what’s up? What’s going on? Tell us, now that we’re all here.
75
LYSISTRATA
No, not yet. Let’s wait a little longer for the Boetian and Spartan women to arrive.
MYRRHINI:
True… (she looks around impatiently until…) ah, here’s Lampito!
LYSISTRATA
(Rushes over to Lampito and, impressed by her body, begins to fondle her body excitedly, lasciviously) Hello Lampito! Oh! Oh, my darling Spartan! How positively fructiferous is your beauty. What colour what a vigorous, what a horny body! Darling, I think you could strangle a bull with it!
LAMPITO:
Yeah, I think I could, too. I exercise regularly. I mean very regularly and I go through every bit of me, every bit of me - including my bumhole!
LYSISTRATA
Mmm! Your titties, too!
LAMPITO:
Hey! Why are you groping me like that, like some sacrificial cow?
LYSISTRATA STOPS THE GROPING AND TURNS HER ATTENTION TO THE NEW WOMAN ON THE STAGE
LYSISTRATA
Ah! And this one? Who is this young beauty, then?
LAMPITO:
That’s the delegate sent to you from Boetia. By the name of Ismenia.
LYSISTRATA
(Prodding similarly)
Boetia, yes!
(Points at her pudendum)
Boetia of the beautiful meadows! How lovely your meadow looks!
CALONIKI:
Yea, with elegant little itchy-bitchy curly whirly penny royals growing so neatly and tightly all around that lovely meadow!
ENTER CORINTHIAN WHORE.
LYSISTRATA
And this other child?
90
LAMPITO:
Ah, yes! Now, that there, that’s pure Corinthian whoremeat, that one! The real stuff!
ALL OTHERS WHISPER THE WORDS, “WHORE”, “FROM CORINTH” AND CORINTH HAS THE BEST WHORES!” EXCITEDLY.
LYSISTRATA
Mmmm, yes, pure, indeed! Both front and back!
LAMPITO:
So, then! Who’s gathered this fleet of flesh here?
LYSISTRATA
I did.
LAMPITO:
Aha? Why? Name your passion, girl!
MYRRHINI:
Yes, darling, tell us what’s so important.
LYSISTRATA
I will, I will, but first: let me ask you all one question.
MYRRHINI:
Ask away.
100
LYSISTRATA
Tell me, please, all of you: Do you not miss your husband’s pricks? Your sons’ father? I mean while he’s away at war? I know very well that all of you have your husband away at the moment. Not one of them is here with you. Isn’t that so?
CALONIKI:
Mine, in fact, the poor bastard, has been in Thrace for the last five months. Guarding that idiot of a general, Eucrates.
MYRRHINI:
And mine, seven months at Pylos.
LAMPITO:
And if mine ever manages to steal away for a quickie, they rush over, nab him by the handle and quickly whisk him away back to the front!
LYSISTRATA
And so, girls, when fucking time comes… not the faintest whiff of it anywhere, right? From the time those Milesians betrayed us, we can’t even find our eight-fingered leather dildos. At least they’d serve as a sort of flesh-replacement for our poor cunts… So, then! Would you like me to find some mechanism by which we could end this war?
MYRRHINI:
If this were truly possible, Lysistrata, darling, I’d start the celebratory drinks right now. Even if it meant I’d have to sell this gown to buy the wine.
115
CALONIKI:
Me too! Even if... even if I’m torn in two like a fish on the grill and have half of me thrown away!
LAMPITO:
And me... I’d climb all the way up to the tip of Taygetus to be able to see our beloved Peace.
LYSISTRATA
Well, in that case, I’ll tell you now what I’ve discovered because I don’t think I can hide it any longer. Now! If we women really want our men to make peace, then we must… abstain.
MYRRHINI:
Huh? From what? Please explain.
LYSISTRATA(Still reluctant to make the revelation )
Ummmm… From something… Will you do it?
MYRRHINI:
Sure! Even if it means our death, but what do we have to do?
124
LYSISTRATA
We will go on strike! We shall all abstain from cocks! (Triumphant) No more cock!
(Distressed as she sees that the others don’t agree. Corinthian whore begins to cry -it’s her living!) Hey, what’s up? Where are you off to? What’s with the frowns and sad looks? How pale you all look suddenly! What’s with the tears? Will you do as we said? Tell me! What’s your decision?
MYRRHINI:
Me? I can’t do it, Lysistrata. Not me. I... Let the war drag on.
CALONIKI:
Yea, me too, Lysistrata. Let the war continue.
LYSISTRATA
You, Caloniki! You were just talking about being a fish cut in two, half of it tossed away!
130
CALONIKI:
Anything else, Lysistrata. We’ll do anything else you want us to do but… well, better in the fire than out of the bed. Better with the fire than without the cock! That can never do, darling!
LYSISTRATA
And you, Lampito? What do you say?
LAMPITO:
Better in the fire than out of the bed.
138
LYSISTRATA
What a lot of bum-torn sluts each and every single one of our sex is! The tragedians are right about us then! Screwing above all else! No regard for the consequences!
(Turns to Lampito, imploring her.)
But you, my darling Spartan, you and I, Lampito, just the two of us could still save the matter. Come on, vote with me!
LAMPITO:(Thinks deeply, paces back and forth, agonises over the question.)
It’s true, damn it. It’s a harsh and difficult thing for a woman to go to sleep, alone. Without a prick, I mean. Yet… yet… yet, we must! We must have peace!
145
LYSISTRATA(Exuberant)
Oh, true Spartan! You’re the only real woman here!
CALONIKI:
But if we did go on strike, if -God forbid!- we did as you said… will this really give us Peace?
LYSISTRATA
Absolutely! Look! We simply stay indoors, put our luscious make-up on, naked beneath our flimsy little blouses, our curlies thoroughly coiffured and plucked and we just sit and wait for our man. Soldier-hubby comes in, sees us and immediately stands at attention! Solid, stiff and horny. He’s torn to shreds with lust. But we move back! We simply don’t go to bed with them. I can assure you, darlings, Peace will be signed before you can say, “come again?”
155
LAMPITO:
Just like Menelaos and Helen. Helen flashes her tits at him once and our boy throws his sword away for ever! Ha, ha, ha! He was going to kill her a second before that - for what she’d done to Greece!
CALONIKI:
But what if the men go on strike, too and we get horny instead?
LYSISTRATA
Well, then darlings, we are all well acquainted with Pherecrates, for goodness’ sake, aren’t we? We do as he did: beat the beaten bitch, in other words, wank!
CALONIKI:
Nah! Mimicking others is crap... What if they drag us into the bedroom?
LYSISTRATA
Take a tight grip of your flaps, darling!
CALONIKI:
What if they beat us then?
LYSISTRATA
Well... all right, we give in then but we make it hard for them dears, cross our legs or something, because it’s no fun for them if they have to work hard for it. They’ll quickly give up. A man just won’t enjoy himself if the woman won’t help in the process.
MYRRHINI:
Right! Well, then. If you two agree, then we agree also. We are with you Lysistrata!
168
LAMPITO:
Yes! All right then. But we, Spartan women, we will be able to persuade our husbands to bring about a good and honourable peace straight away; but what about all these war-mongering Athenian pricks? Who’ll straighten them out?
LYSISTRATA
Don’t you worry about them, Lampito, darling, we’ll see to them!
LAMPITO:
Not very likely. Not while they’ve got all those ships in the sea and all that loot locked up in there (points at the Acropolis) Inside the temple of Athena!
175
LYSISTRATA
Nah! We’ve thought of that, too, Lampito. No problem. Today, we’ll take over the Acropolis! While we’re all here getting all this prick-protest organised, the older women will be going up there under the pretence of conducting rituals and sacrifices and, as soon as they get in there, they seize the place!
A SCYTHIAN POLICEWOMAN, ARMED TO THE TEETH (HELMET, BOW, ARROWS, SHIELD, SWORD, KNIFE) IS WALKING BY. SHE SEES THE GROUP IN A TIGHTLY KNIT GATHERING AND STOPS TO EXAMINE SUSPICIOUSLY.
180
LAMPITO:
Oh, ho! Great! A very well thought-out plan, Lysistrata! Very thorough, indeed! Well done!
LYSISTRATA
Thank you, Lampito. Right, now quickly, let’s take a good, strong, inexorable, unbreakable, no-loopholes oath!
LAMPITO:
Give us the words and deeds and we’ll do it!
LYSISTRATA
Good, now...
(Sees the Skythian policewoman)
Hey, you! Cop woman! Yes, you! What are you leering at? Bring me that shield of yours here.
(The policewoman obeys dumbly)
Put it right here! Now turn it upside down.
(The policewoman obeys again)
Now, someone bring me some entrails!
(The policewoman likes all this and from now on becomes one with the group)
186
CALONIKI:
Entrails? Entrails, Lysistrata? What sort of an oath do you want us to take, for goodness’ sake?
LYSISTRATA
What sort? The sort you perform upon a shield, like the one Aischylus mentions somewhere, you know... where the soldiers kill a sheep and...
CALONIKI:(Interrupts)
Lysistrata! We can’t swear an oath for Peace by spilling blood on a shield!
LYSISTRATA
Well? What sort of an oath do you all want, then?
CALONIKI:
I know! Let’s grab a white horse from somewhere, kill it and get its sacred little bits! The horsey’s bits, I mean. How’s that?
LYSISTRATA (She’s shocked)
What white horse, Caloniki? What little bits? What’s in that head of yours?
CALONIKI:
Well what do we swear upon then?
MYRRHINI:
I’ll tell you what I think, if you like: Let’s sacrifice a wine jug, instead. Get a huge black cup, put it on the ground here, then get a jug of that lovely wine from Thasos, break it open and swear to the cup that… that we won’t pollute it by adding water to it!
LAMPITO:
Yes! Now that’s what I call an impressive oath!
LYSISTRATA
So, let’s bring the bowl and the wine skin then!
THE SKYTHIAN ARCHER RUNS OFF ENTHUSIASTICALLY AND A MOMENT LATER RETURNS WITH THE BOWL AND WINE JUG. LYSISTRATA, IMPRESSED AT THE SKYTHIAN’S SPEED, EFFICIENCY AND WILLINGNESS TO JOIN HER REBELLIOUS GROUP, SMILES AT HER, TAKES THE JUG AND LIFTS IT IN THE AIR. CALONIKI LIFTS THE BOWL ADMIRINGLY.
(200)
CALONIKI:
Ooooh! My darlings, look! What a lovely bowl! One gets horny just by touching it!
LYSISTRATA
Caloniki! Now place the bowl down and all of you hold my jug! (they all obey) Goddess Persuasion, and you, too, bowl, accept this, our offering with grace. (She pours the wine into the bowl.)
205
CALONIKI:
What sparkling blood! And how well it decants!
LAMPITO:
And how sweet its aroma!
MYRRHINI:
Let me be the first to take the oath!
CALONIKI: (Jealous)
No! Not unless we draw a lot and your name is drawn first!
LYSISTRATA
Lampito, and the rest of you, too. All together: Repeat after me: There’s no prick, lover’s or husband’s…
TOGETHER:
There’s no prick, lover’s or husband’s...
LYSISTRATA
That will approach me erect...
TOGETHER:
That will approach me erect...
CALONIKI:(Hesitates)...
LYSISTRATA
Caloniki, speak!
CALONIKI:
Damn it, Lysistrata, my knees are wobbly! That will approach me erect...
LYSISTRATA
Shut in at home, I’ll live prickless and chaste...
TOGETHER:
Shut in at home, I’ll live prickless and chaste...
LYSISTRATA
And I’ll be dressed seductively and be beautifully made...
220
TOGETHER:
And I’ll be dressed seductively and be beautifully made...
LYSISTRATA
So as to set afire my man’s desire...
TOGETHER:
So as to set afire my man’s desire...
LYSISTRATA
And let him not fuck me with my consent...
TOGETHER:
And let him not fuck me with my consent...
LYSISTRATA
But if the prick forces itself upon me...
TOGETHER:
But if the prick forces itself upon me...
LYSISTRATA
I will not reach orgasm... at the same time as it does...
TOGETHER:
I will not reach orgasm... at the same time as it does...
LYSISTRATA
I will not have my slippers raised to the ceiling...
230
TOGETHER:
I will not have my slippers raised to the ceiling...
LYSISTRATA
Nor will I, like a whore, take up for him the position of the lioness-on-a-cheese-grater...
TOGETHER:
Nor will I, like a whore, take up for him the position of the lioness-on-a-cheese-grater...
LYSISTRATA
And so, to bind all this together, we hereby drink this wine...
TOGETHER:
And so, to bind all this together, we hereby drink this wine...
LYSISTRATA
And if I break this solemn oath may the wine I drink turn to water...
TOGETHER:
And if I break this solemn oath may the wine I drink turn to water...
LYSISTRATA
Have you all sworn with me?
TOGETHER:
We sure have!
LYSISTRATA
Now bring me the cup that I may sanctify it.
CALONIKI:
Give me some too, so that the oath will bind us all well.
SHOUTING AND COMMOTION BEHIND THE WALLS.
LAMPITO:
What’s all the noise?
240
LYSISTRATA
Aha! Just like I said. Our older women have seized the Acropolis. Quickly now, Lampito, you head off towards accomplishing your end of the bargain. Go to Sparta, quickly... but leave these friends of yours here with us, as goodwill. The rest of us will go over to the Acropolis and toss the bars over the gates.
CALONIKI:
But don’t you think the men will band together and rush us?
LYSISTRATA
I’m not worried about that one little bit, Caloniki. Even if they threaten us with fire and even if they manage to open the gates, so what? We’ll do as we’ve just sworn, right?
CALONIKI:
Right! Of course. Yes! Otherwise we’ll remain for ever as we always were: cowards and whores to them all!
EXIT ALL INTO THE ACROPOLIS.
A GROUP OF TWELVE MEN WALKS IN FROM SL.
STAGE LEFT WILL HENCEFORTH BE “THEIR TERRITORY.” IT IS WHERE THEY WILL BE RETREATING TO WHEN BUSINESS ASKS FOR A RETREAT.
THEY ALL WEAR A SURFEIT OF CLOTHES WHICH THEY TAKE OFF ONE AT A TIME AT VARIOUS INSTANCES FOR COMEDIC EFFECT.
DRAKIS, ITS LEADER, IS NEGOTIATING HIS GRIP ON A LONG BRANCH ON HIS SHOULDERS AND A FIRE-MAKING POT OF SORTS WHICH MAKES MUCH SMOKE. THEIR PHALLUSES BETRAY THEIR ADVANCED AGE AND THEIR STATE OF EXHAUSTION: THOUGH THEY ARE LONG, THEY ARE DECLINED. BETWEEN THEM ALL THEY ARE CARRYING WOOD OF SOME SORT OR OTHER, BRANCHES, KINDLING, ETC. AS WELL AS CROW BARS, RAMMING RODS AND SUCH LIKE IMPLEMENTS THAT MAY BE USEFUL FOR BREAKING AND ENTERING. SOME OF THESE MIGHT WELL BE QUITE ODD AND ENIGMATIC IN THEIR APPEARANCE AND THE DIRECTOR MUST NOT FORGET THE USEFULNESS OF SUCH ITEMS IN COMIC STAGE BUSINESS. DRAKIS IS WALKING JUST A LITTLE AHEAD OF THE OTHERS AND, LIKE THE OTHERS, IS IRRITATED BY COUGHING FITS BROUGHT ABOUT BY THE SMOKE.
250
DRAKIS: (Talking to himself)
Go on, my poor boy! Go on Drakis! Even if your shoulder is breaking under the strain of this huge, damp olive log! Go on, my boy! Cough, cough!
PHILOURGOS:
Long life brings you so many surprises, hey? Things, my good Strynidoros, which I have never hoped to see or hear. Women! Women, whom we husbanded, whom we nourished and maintained and who have caused us so much fuss-
STRYNIDOROS:
So much fuss!
PHILOURGOS:
Now they’ve gone and seized the Acropolis. Stolen the sacred statue of our protector, Athena and they’ve driven bars and padlocks into her gates!
266
STRYNIDOROS:
Let’s move as fast as we can, Philourgos. Come on, let’s place these branches all around...
PHILOURGOS:
Let’s teach them a lesson...
DRAKIS:
Let’s light a high flame...
PHILOURGOS:
Fry the lot of ‘em...
PHADRIAS:
First, among them all, Lycos’ wife, Rhodia! Haha! A bastard of a politician deserves a... slut of a wife!
PHILOURGOS:(Sarcastically)
…a slut of a wife! Cough, cough! A faithful slut! Hahaha!
STRYNIDOROS:
By Demeter, no one will dare laugh at us while we’re alive…
DRAKIS:(Stops, turns and talks to the others, laughing)
Remember old Cleomenes, boys?
STRYNIDOROS:
Ah, yes, Drakis! That’s right! He tried this once, too!
PHILOURGOS:
Even he didn’t escape unpunished.
275
DRAKIS:
Shat himself and had to surrender his arms to me!
PHADRIAS:
True Spartan, though. Ran off without a shirt on his back. Unwashed for six years, unshaven...
STRYNIDOROS:
Stank to high Heaven, hey Phadrias? Hahaha! Cough, cough!
DRAKIS:
Hehehehe! This is how we surrounded the city, men!
PHADRIAS:
But he was besieged by seventeen men, Drakis.
PHILOURGOS:
They spent the whole night at the gates.
DRAKIS:(pointing at the Acropolis)
So that these here god-hated women...
PHADRIAS:
Hated by God and by Euripides, by God!
DRAKIS:(With contempt)
Bah!These women are nothing to us, hey men? Cough, cough! Nothing!
285
PHILOURGOS:
Our Victory will shine throughout Athens, our four-headed city!
DRAKIS:(Takes up his equipment again. He’s visibly struggling)
Just a little way left now and we’re there, Drakis, my good man!
PHADRIAS:
And we’re doing all this without even a donkey, hey, Strynidoros? On our own bare backs!
STRYNIDOROS:
Ouch! Damned logs! Two of them have gone and lodged themselves right into my bones... ah, well, what can one do, Phadrias? (Adjusts himself)
PHADRIAS:
We must go on, go on, go on! Walk up the hill, walk up the hill, walk on, walk on, walk on…
DRAKIS:
…and blow hard at the fire (He blows into the fire pot. The smoke proliferates.) Phoo, phoo!
295
PHILOURGOS:
What smoke! By mighty Hercules, what sooty dread!
DRAKIS:
What... ouch! Arghhhhhh! What horror -cough, cough- was it that jumped out of there and, like a bitch-on-heat tore at my eyeballs?
PHILOURGOS:
Like the Volcano of Lemnos, hey, Drakis? This machine smokes and smokes... cough, cough!
DRAKIS:
...and scorched and filled my eyes with gunk.
PHADRIAS:
You men go on ahead of me to the city! Run to the aid of Athena! Phoo, phoo! What smoke, what horror!
306
PHILOURGOS:(They’ve now reached Stage Right)
It’s Heaven’s will whether the fire burns or not. Let’s leave the wood here and light up new, leafless vines.
PHADRIAS:
Then, all of us together, we’ll charge at the gates, hey?
DRAKIS:
And if the women won’t pull back the bolts, then, we’ll set them all on fire!
PHADRIAS:
Phoo, phoo, cough, cough! There! I think now we’re winning!
STRYNIDOROS:
Put down the wood. Cough, splatter, choke... The smoke will kill us!
DRAKIS:
Ah, for a Samian general to take this wood from my hands!
PHADRIAS:
There, I’m putting mine down here. They’ve bust my balls.
DRAKIS:: (Talking to the pot)
It’s up to you now, little potsy. Light this coal and start the fire! Go on!
PHADRIAS: (Raises his hands in prayer)
Help us Glorious Victory, come, stand beside us and drive your triumph right up into those cocky women!
THEY LEAVE THE POT DOWN AND RETREAT QUIETLY TO THEIR TERRITORY, OCCUPYING THEMSELVES WITH VARIOUS PREPARATIONS. THEY DO NOT NOTICE THE WOMEN WHEN THEY ENTER THE STAGE LATER. A SMALL PAUSE BEFORE WE HEAR THE SHOUTING OF WOMEN OFF STAGE. WHEN THEY APPEAR FROM THE OPPOSITE SIDE WE SEE THAT IT’S A GROUP, SIMILAR IN NUMBER, AGE AND DISPOSITION AS THE OLD MEN. THEY WILL FORM THE SECOND WARRING PARTY AND STAGE RIGHT WILL BE “THEIR TERRITORY.” THEIR LEADER IS STRATYLLIS. THEY ARE CARRYING BUCKETS, URNS, JUGS AND PITCHERS OF ALL SORTS, FILLED WITH WATER. THEY’VE NOTICED THE SMOKE, ARE WALKING THROUGH IT BUT THEY’VE NOT SEEN THE MEN YET.
STRATYLLIS: (Off stage)
Come quickly, girls! All this smoke must mean that there’s a lot of fire! Run Niki, run, or you’ll burn dear. You, too, Kali, run or you’ll burn! Kryti! You’re surrounded by smoke, dear and so is everything else around here! Hateful men! We’ll lose everything with their stupid laws!
ENTER WOMEN (SR. THEIR TERRITORY). THEY ARE MIDDLE AGED AND THEY, TOO, WEAR A SURFEIT OF CLOTHES SO THAT THEY MAY DISPENSE WITH THEM AT VARIOUS TIMES FOR GREATER COMEDIC EFFECT. THEY ARE THE ANTAGONISTS OF THE MALES AND PROTECTORS OF THE YOUNGER WOMEN INSIDE THE ACROPOLIS. THEY CARRY CLUBS, STICKS, BROOMS AND ALL SORTS OF OTHER MAKESHIFT WEAPONS, AS WELL AS BUCKETS FULL OF WATER.
KRYTILLI:
I was at the taps this morning, before dawn, Stratyllis, trying to fill my pitcher
and save these poor friends of ours in there but - God, I hope I’m not too late for that! All that commotion and fuss and traffic I had to put up with! Every slave in town was jostling me about. I heard that some old men - must be wankers the lot of them -were carting sticks and logs around here threatening us all that we’ll be turned into charcoal! Dear God, I hope I never get to see my sisters burn like kindling by these bastards.
340
KALLYKI:
Yes, let’s save them all from the horror of war!
KRYTILLI:
Let’s save Greece and all her people, my dear goddess of the golden helmet!
STRATYLLIS:(She is walking on into the men’s territory, still without noticing them)
Oh, Athena, thrice-born! We’ve surrounded your home and ask you to be our ally!
NIKOTHIKI:
God, please give no time to these bastards to build a proper fire. Help us with our water carrying!
STRATYLLIS SUDDENLY FINDS HERSELF INSIDE DRAKI’S ARMS. HE FRIGHTENS HER AND GRABS HER BY THE DRESS. SHE RUNS BACK TOWARDS HER FRIENDS, SCREAMING. THE DRESS IS TORN FROM HER. THE REST OF THE MEN NOW COME INTO FOCUS ALSO.
STRATYLLIS:
Let me go, you old wanker! Help, help!
350
KALLYKI:
What is all this? You… you evil bastards! What are you up to, hey? You must be the real nasty type if all this smoke is your doing!
OTHER WOMEN COME TO STRATYLLIS’ AID AND SHE ESCAPES. THEY THEN TURN FEROCIOUSLY ON DRAKIS, PELTING HIM WITH ALL THEIR WEAPONS.
DRAKIS:
Enough! Oh, no! God help us!
(Looks around him and is terrified at the sight of all the women)
Ach! Now I’ve seen everything! A whole paddock of them! A whole herd of them gathered around the gates. (Stuttering with fear) And whaaaaat are you all doing here, then hey? (He goes and picks up a lit piece of wood and waves it about threateningly but he is still petrified.)
STRATYLLIS:
Ha! Shitting yourself with fear, are you? (indicating her friends) What, this?
This is nothing. This is just a tiny number of us out here. You should see the rest of us!
355
DRAKIS:(Outraged)
Hey, Phadrias, are we going to let these old weather-beaten shags cackle like this for ever? Shouldn’t we break a rod across their back?
STRATYLLIS:
Girls, put your buckets down and get ready for them - and if they dare raise a hand!
360
PHADRIAS:
Just a couple of slaps about the face would do it, I should think, Drakis. That should shut them up. The sort of slaps our famous sculptor, Voupalos, copped. Hahaha! (Imitating) Boof, boof!
STRATYLLIS: (Steps between them)
Oh yea? Well, here you are! Do it!
(Offers her face for the slapping.)
Here’s my face. Just try it! Come on!
(Phadrias approaches)
Booh!
(Phadrias withdraws frightened)
You do boy, and you’ll get to know how it would feel if some wild dogs took a liking to your balls… and ripped them right off and right out of your crotch! Go on, try!
PHADRIAS:(Phadrias withdraws further)
If you don’t shut up, you old hag, I’ll… I’ll… I’ll rip your guts out!
KALLYKI::
Oh, yeah? You just raise one finger against our Strato here and…
PHADRIAS:
One finger? One finger! Oh, I am soooooo scared now! I’ll raise a full fist of them against the silly bitch!
KRYTILLI:
I’ll tear your guts AND lungs out - with my own teeth!
STRYNIDOROS:(Looking for support from his group)
There’s no wiser man -or poet- than Euripides, hey men? And he’s right, too: “There’s no creature so vulgar as a woman.”
370
STRATYLLIS:
Rhodippi, dear, pick up your jug again and get ready.
STRYNIDOROS:
Yea, and… and… why did you… you… God-cursed creature, why did you bring all this water here, hey?
STRATYLLIS:
And you, you old bum-beater, why did you bring all this fire here, hey? To roast yourselves? Hahahaha!
PHADRIAS:
No, to build a nice little pyre for you and your friends.
STRATYLLIS:
And we, we’ll quench this fire of yours with our water.
DRAKIS:
You! You’ll quench our fire? Hah!
375
STRATYLLIS:
With our water. You’ll see!
A BATTLE STARTS BETWEEN STRATYLLIS AND DRAKIS. SHE TRIES TO THROW THE WATER ON THE FIRE, HE TRIES TO BURN HER WITH A LIT BRANCH. OTHER WARRING PAIRS ARE MADE HERE WHO WILL BE SEEN AS RECONCILED FRIENDS AT THE CLOSE OF THE PLAY.
DRAKIS:(Lunging at her crotch with the torch)
I don’t think so. In fact I think I might… just apply a little bit of heat under there for you...
STRATYLLIS:
Oh, yea?
(She approaches him, finds out he smells badly and pinches her nose)
Pooh! Listen, you old piece of filth, if you happen to have a bit of soap with you, I might just do you the favour and give you a bath!
DRAKIS:
A bath? Me! Oh, you old piece of carcass!
STRATYLLIS:
Yea, it’ll be a real nuptial bath.
PHADRIAS:
Ohhhh! What arrogance!
RHODIPPI:
Because I’m an emancipated woman!
PHILOURGOS:
I’ll emancipate your throat for that!
380
RHODIPPI:
Ha! No more shitty, stifling laws from your bench, boy!
STRYNIDOROS:
Burn her hair for that!
STRATYLLIS:
Flood the bastards! Do your stuff girls, drown them now!
THE WOMEN CHASE THE MEN ABOUT UNTIL THEY POUR THEIR WATER ALL OVER THE MEN’S HEADS. THE FOLLOWING FEW LINES SHOULD HINT AT A VERY TIMID BIRTH OF A ROMANTIC LIAISON BETWEEN THE TWO GROUP LEADERS, STRATYLLIS AND DRAKIS.
DRAKIS:
Bloody hell!
STRATYLLIS:
It’s not tooooo hot, for you, is it, deary?
DRAKIS:
Hot? What’s hot?
(She throws a bit more water on him, this time directed at his phallus)
Stop! What do you think you’re doing?
STRATYLLIS:
I’m watering you.
(Pointing at his fallen phallus)
See if I can get some new growth out of you!
385
DRAKIS:
I’m frrrrreezing, trrrrrembling!
STRATYLLIS:
Well, go sit by your fire then!
THE WOMEN WITHDRAW CAUSIOUSLY INTO THEIR TERRITORY (STAGE RIGHT). THE MAGISTRATE, A PARADIGM OF A POMPOUS, CORRUPT POLITICIAN, FOLLOWED BY A NUMBER -AT LEAST FOUR- OF SKYTHIAN ARCHERS ENTER FROM STAGE LEFT. (THE ARCHERS ARE THE COMMON POLICE FORCE OF ATHENS AT THE TIME.)
MAGISTRATE:
Well, then! Has all this womanish pandemonium finished yet? Have they all finished with their lunatic drum beating and their vulgar drunken orgies and their rooftop wailing over their poor little Adonis? All this stuff reminds of the day -may we never see that day again! When Demostratus talked us into sailing against Sicily. Remember? His drunken wife began an orgy of lamentations about her little Adonis. (Mocking her) “Oh, my poor, poor, little Adonis, my poor little Adonis! Oh, my poor, poor, little Adonis.” She squealed and squealed interminably. Then Demostratus, the old piece of dung went on with “we need to enlist soldiers from Zakynthos!” and off she went again! She got up onto her roof, this time and began screeching, “Cry, cry, ye all for poor, poor Adonis!” She screamed and carried on like this until the old ball-busting, wrath-straddled, God-cursed bastard, Demostratus, to spite her, pushed his vote through the Assembly! Such are the wild, undisciplined doings of women!
399
DRAKIS:
And if you only knew just how wild and undisciplined, sir. The insults these women have subjected us to! Not only have they called us all sorts of disgusting names but then, to add injuries to their insults, they’ve tossed jugfuls of water all over us -soaked us through and through! We look like… we’ve pissed ourselves!
MAGISTRATE:
Because, by Salty Poseidon, we are so piss-weak ourselves! All this awful stuff, is our own fault! Because we are the ones who spoil them rotten and corrupt their little brains. We sow this sort of thinking into their small skulls. Because, what do we husbands do? I’ll show you: Here’s one going to the jeweler’s
(Mocks a piss-weak husband)
“Hey mister jeweler. You know that bracelet you’ve made for my wife? You know how we went dancing the other night? Weeeeell, its little thingy broke and it slipped out of its little holey-poley while she was dancing last night and now the thingy is broken. I’m off to war now, so... could you be a nice little boy and go over to her tonight to fix it for her, to put the little thingy back into the little holey polley, please?” Or another idiot will go over to the shoemaker who’s a huge, strong man with a prick to match and he says to him,
(mocking again)
“O, please, mister cobbler, my wife’s little tootsie wootsie is hurting a bit because the strap on her sandal is a little titsy bitsy, witsy, too tight. Could you please run over to her at midday and stretch it out a bit for her? Make it widddddder for her, please?” So, here we are now, suffering the consequences of this sort of piss-weak behaviour… I need to go in there now, to get some money to pay the city’s rowers. How am I going to do that if these bloody women have bolted all the gates, hey?
But I won’t stand for it! Bring me the crow bars, men! I’ll make them pay for this insolence!
(To one of his Skythian archers:)
Hey, you! What are you gaping at, moron? Looking for a tavern, are you? Damn you! Come on men, let’s put our rams here, under the gates and ram them open! I’ll put my rod here with yours, too.
THEY START AT THIS BUT LYSISTRATA ENTERS THROUGH THE GATES OF THE ACROPOLIS. SHE’S FOLLOWED BY CALONIKI, MYRRHINI, THE SKYTHIAN POLICEWOMAN AND OTHER WIVES. THEY ARE CARRYING LITTLE BASKETS OUT OF WHICH THEY WILL EVENTUALLY BRING SOME RIBBONS, A WREATH AND A GARLAND.
LYSISTRATA
You won’t have to ram open any gates! See? I’m here, of my own accord!
(Looks about her at the men’s efforts)
Why the rams, boys? We don’t need rams here but a bit of brain. Better than rams we should use a bit of grey matter and nous, that’s all! This is Athena’s Temple. The Goddess of wisdom!
MAGISTRATE:
Is that a fact, you... you over-defiled wench?
(He’s looking around among the men.)
Where’s my archer? Hey, you! Officer! Grab this whore and tie her hands behind her back - both of them!
LYSISTRATA
Oh yea? Well, let me tell you, Mister MAGISTRATE: Officer or not, he who touches even my little pinky shall spill plenty of tears for it.
(Skythian retreats cowardly)
MAGISTRATE:
(Disgusted)
What? Are you afraid man? Two of you then! Quickly, grab her by her waist. Seize her!
(Two Skythians attempt this)
CALONIKI:
(Steps forward threateningly. To the Magistrate)
Hey! If they as much as lay a finger on our Lysistrata, I’ll kick the shit out of you, trust me! I’ll make you brown your pants!
SKYTHIANS RETREAT COWARDLY BEHIND THE OTHER MEN
441
MAGISTRATE:
(Disgusted at his officers again)
Me brown my pants? Me! You’ll be the one shitting yourself in a minute!
(Looking for his officer again)
Damn it, where’s my officer?
(Finds one)
Here, you! Tie this big mouth first!
(The officer attempts this but he’s also stopped by Myrrhini)
MYRRHINI:
Go on then, touch our Caloniki if you dare, go on! One little fingertip, plop face and you’ll be calling for surgery.
MAGISTRATE:
(Turns to Myrrhini)
By the gods! And who’s this one then? Skythian, leave that one and grab this one first! I’ll put an end to this outrageous exodus!
(Officer attempts this too but again he’s stopped by Stratyllis. She is charging forward with the rest of her women.)
STRATYLLIS:
(To the Skythian:)
You touch our Myrrhini old man and I’ll rip all you hair out. Strand by miserable strand. That’ll make you squeal like the pig you are!
Skythian retreats behind friendly forces.
448
MAGISTRATE:
Damn my rotten luck! The cops have vanished! How on earth could we ever let abunch of women beat us like this? Come on, my good Skythians! Let’s all march forward together in a group and rush them!
LYSISTRATA
Hahahaha!I think you ought to know, mister MAGISTRATE: There are four battalions of us women here. And we are all very, very well armed, very, very willing, very, very able and very, very ready! (She lunges towards them)
MAGISTRATE:
Quick, now! Officers, tie their hands!
LYSISTRATA
Women! Sisters! Come out here, all of you! All you sellers of seed, of pumpkin, of peas and beans; of garlic and wine, of hotel beds and flour and bread! All of you, darlings who’ve been pushed and smacked around, sworn at. Come out all of you!
ALL MEN RUSH TO OBEY THE MAGISTRATE AND ALL WOMEN TO ASSIST LYSISTRATA. A NOISY AND CHAOTIC MELEE ENSUES. THE SCYTHIANS ARE SOAKED TO THE CORE. IN THE BATTLE THERE’S A COMICAL, NON-VERBAL CONFUSION AND HINTS ARE MADE AT ANOTHER POSSIBLE ROMANCE, THAT OF THE FEMALE SKYTHIAN AND THE MALE SKYTHIAN (THE ONE INSULTED BY THE MAGISTRATE EARLIER.) ALSO, THE MAGISTRATE CONFRONTS THE FEMALE SKYTHIAN AT ONE POINT AND HE’S OUTRAGED WHEN HE REALISES SHE IS WORKING ON THE SIDE OF THE WOMEN. “MORE WOMANISH TREACHERY!” AT THE END, THE SKYTHIANS AND DRAKIS’ MEN SUFFER GREAT LOSSES AND WITHDRAW THOROUGHLY SHAMED TO THEIR TERRITORY, STAGE LEFT.
462
MAGISTRATE:
By the gods! Look at my poor Archers! They’ve all been thoroughly thrashed!
LYSISTRATA
Of course they did! What did you think? That you were dealing with some little slave girls or women with no fortitude?
MAGISTRATE:
Fortitude? Oh, you’ve got that all right… You’ve got balls… when you’re drunk!
DRAKIS:
You’ve wasted enough words, here, Your Honour. What’s the point of exchanging civil words with wild beasts?
470
PHILOURGOS:
Yeah, can’t you see the washing they gave us -clothes and all, and no soap!
STRATYLLIS:
(To the Magistrate)
You need to learn not to raise an angry hand against your neighbour, because if you do, you’ll end up with a black eye.
KALLYKI::
(Also to the Magistrate)
And if I want to just sit on my bum and think all day long, like a demure little maid, hurting no-one and stirring no-one’s twig then that’s just what I’ll do!
KRYTILLI:(Also to the Magistrate)
And if you want to take the honey from my little honey pot, well then, beware! You’ll be stirring my sting!
THE MAGISTRATE TURNS AND GATHERS THE MEN AROUND HIM FOR A CONFERENCE. THE WOMEN DO THE SAME IN THEIR TERRITORY.
MAGISTRATE:
O, God! How do we deal with these beasts? I can’t take much more of this torture!
DRAKIS:
Let’s think this through... Whatever gave them the idea to climb this unclimable cliff, to this sacred and glorious ground and seize the Acropolis?
STRYNIDOROS:
(To the Magistrate)
Ask her, Your Honour! Question her! And don’t trust her. Question everything she says and does.
485
PHILOURGOS:
It’d be shameful to let this go without a sound trial.
MAGISTRATE:
Right, then!
(Breaks the huddle. To Lysistrata)
You! First thing I wish to know from you is, what were your thoughts when you came to shut our Acropolis up with bars and rams?
LYSISTRATA
So as to keep the money away from you. So that you can’t use it for your stupid war!
MAGISTRATE:
You think we need money for war?
LYSISTRATA
Yeah, and not only for war but you’ve also screwed up everything else with it, as well. This war of yours has given crooked leaders like Peisandros, to use one example, the opportunity to steal, so as to feed their constantly rumbling guts, so, we’ll let their guts go on rumbling. From now on they won’t be able to do what they want with that money. That money will not come down for the rumbling of their guts ever again!
MAGISTRATE:
O yeah? And what will you do with it?
LYSISTRATA
What do you mean, “what will we do with it?” We’ll keep it safe!
MAGISTRATE:
You? Keep it safe?
LYSISTRATA
What’s so hard about that? We’ve kept the house purses safe for years!
495
MAGISTRATE:
That’s a totally different thing!
LYSISTRATA
Why is that?
MAGISTRATE:
This is a war fund!
LYSISTRATA
And that’s exactly our first goal: No more war!
MAGISTRATE:
But how will we protect ourselves?
LYSISTRATA
We’ll protect you!
MAGISTRATE:
You!
LYSISTRATA
(Swinging her bum lasciviously)
Yes, just little ol’ us! We, the women!
MAGISTRATE:
Savagery!
LYSISTRATA
We’ll save you. Whether you want to or not!
MAGISTRATE:
Grrr. What a painful utterance!
LYSISTRATA
What are you getting angry about? What needs to be done, must be done!
MAGISTRATE:
But... God! God... It’s so... so... bloody unfair!
500
LYSISTRATA
But it’s right!
MAGISTRATE:
What if I don’t want to?
LYSISTRATA
All the more reason, to do it then!
MAGISTRATE:
What got you concerned about war and peace all of a sudden?
LYSISTRATA
Let me tell you:-
MAGISTRATE: (Interrupts her by angrily raising his fists)
Talk fast then, before your tears begin to roll.
LYSISTRATA
All right. Listen then but keep your fists to yourself.
MAGISTRATE: (Looks at his hands which are still shaking with anger)
But I can’t... it’s... too hard for me. You’ve got them all angry!
STRATYLLIS:(Raises her own fist at him)
Then it’s you who’ll be doing the crying!
505
MAGISTRATE:
Bah! Go croak those words to yourself, you old hag!
(To Lysistrata)
You! Talk to me!
LYSISTRATA
But of course! Now! Before the war, everything you men did, we suffered in silence and dignity because you wouldn’t let us make a sound. Not a peep.
God, we hated you for that! And we’d often hear about all those dreadful decisions you’d make about some very important issue or other. But, we’d put on a smile to hide the pain and we’d come to you with, “how did parliament go today, darling? Any laws posted on the law pillars about peace?” Well, my own husband would answer with, “Grrrr… what’s it to you?” and with “Grrrr… won’t you ever shut up?” So, I’d shut up.
STRATYLLIS:
Me? I’d never shut up!
MAGISTRATE:
You! My God, I’d have given you something to squawk about, you old crow!
LYSISTRATA
(Pointing at the magistrate’s response)
And that’s exactly why I did shut up! But then, other stupid decisions of yours would come up and again we’d ask, “husband, how could you do such stupid things?” And the dear hubby would take one frowny look at me and tell me to go back to my weaving or he’d give me something to really scream my head about. Then he’d say what Hektor said to his wife, Adromache, “war is men’s business!” The fool’s been reading too much Homer!
520
MAGISTRATE:
And he’d be right, too!
LYSISTRATA
But how so, you God-spewed fool? We had to accept your policies even when they were totally ill-judged. All right. We did that for a while but then we began hearing your pitiful crying in the street,
(mocking the men crying in the street)
“We need men! Where are the men? Oh me, oh my! There isn’t a man left in our country, not even one!” So we women thought we should get together and save Greece. Enough waiting for you lot to do it. We, women, can wait no longer. And if, now in turn, you want to shut up and listen to our good advice, we’ll straighten everything out for you!
529
MAGISTRATE:(Fuming with anger)
You? You’ll straighten everything out for us? The dreadful things you say, woman! I won’t stand for that! Grrrr!
LYSISTRATA
I thought I said, shut up!
MAGISTRATE:
Damned woman! Me shut up for you? A woman… a woman wearing a scarf over her head? Never!
LYSISTRATA(Removes scarf and places it over the Magistrate’s head.)
Oh, is this what’s bothering you? Well, here you are! It’s off mine and onto yours! Now you can shut up!
STRATYLLIS:(Walks over and hangs a basket over his limp elbow. The Magistrate now looks comically like a woman.)
And you can have this little basket, too!
LYSISTRATA
Your sewing is in there. And some beans to chew on while you’re working on it. From now on, sewing for you, war for us!
540
STRATYLLIS:(To the rest of the old women)
Put your jugs down, women, so that we can give our friends here, a hand. It’s our turn now.
KALLYKI::
Great! I never tire doing the sacred dance and my good knees don’t buckle with the workload.
KRYTILLI:
Me, too. I want to be just like them in everything. Same nature, same charm, same bravery, same wisdom, just as patriotic, as virtuous and as proud!
STRATYLLIS:
So, come all you grannies and nannies of the bravest, prickliest of all the nettles! Let loose your anger but don’t slacken the force of your charge. The wind is right behind us, women! Let’s go!
550
LYSISTRATA
And so long as sweet-tempered Eros and Aphrodite are still bulging our breasts and cunts with their lusty breath and so long as they make our men’s pricks stand like policemen’s truncheons, I’m sure that soon, the whole of Greece will be calling us “Battle Blockers!”
MAGISTRATE:
So… what will you do?
555
LYSISTRATA
If we first stop the mindless display of arms and lunacy in the market place...
STRATYLLIS:
That’s right, by Aphrodite!
LYSISTRATA
Stupid bastards, they’re everywhere! Armed to the teeth and pacing up and down between the cabbage stalls and the pottery shops, like frenzied lunatics! Idiots!
MAGISTRATE:
But of course, woman, that’s the way of heroes!
LYSISTRATA
But doesn’t it look just a little ridiculous to you? I mean, men carrying a huge shield with the drawing of a fearsome gorgon painted all over it... looking to buy sardines?
560
STRATYLLIS:
Ha! That’s so damned true! I saw a guard the other day. Long hair, on a horse, stuffing his shiny bronze helmet full with peas which he’d bought from an old woman’s stall. And another one, a Thracian, jerking and shaking his spear and shield about, frightening some poor old woman out of her wits, pinching all the ripe figs from her stall and stuffing himself with them, just like a real barbarian.
EVERYONE ELSE, INCLUDING THE MEN, BURST INTO LOUD CHUCKLES AND LAUGHTER
MAGISTRATE:
All right, all right! So, how will you... women, be able to put an end to all this terrible turbulence amongst all the nations? How would you undo it all?
565
LYSISTRATA
With great ease!
MAGISTRATE:
Oh, yes? Is that right? Well? How? Come on, show me!
LYSISTRATA
We shall undo all this turbulence just like we undo the knots in a ball of wool.We simply pick up the spindles and we pull one thread this way, another that way, another this way, another… Simple!
That’s how we’ll get rid of all the knots. We’ll send out some embassies here, some embassies there…
MAGISTRATE:
Fools! You think you can stop such great problems with spindles and wool?
LYSISTRATA
But of course! And if you, too, had the intelligence to undo knots in balls of wool, you’d be able to undo knots in the State, as well!
MAGISTRATE:
Knots in wool? Knots in wool? What on earth do you mean, woman? Show me!
575
LYSISTRATA
Sure.
(Lysistrata now turns and speaks directly at the audience as if she’s giving them a lecture, as if she’s holding them responsible for much of Athens’ predicament.)
You simply wash the city just like you wash wool. First, you put the wool into the tub and get rid of all the daggy bits, all the crap around its bum. Then you put it on a bed, take a rod in your hand and scrutch and bonk all the burrs and spikes out it. All those that have gathered themselves into tight knots and balls and are tearing and tangling the wool of State, well, you just tease them out of there. Rip their heads off! Then, off for the combing. You put all the wool together into one basket. All of it! Friends, foreign or local, allies -anyone who’s good for the State. Drop them all in there. As well as our citizens from the colonies. Consider them, too, as part of the same ball of wool, only separated from each other. So, what with all those colonies joining the ball, you’ll be able to weave a cloak big enough for the whole city.
MAGISTRATE:
How bloody frightening! All this spindle spinning and rod rodding these women want to do! What do they know about the suffering that goes with war? About bearing the burden of war? None!
LYSISTRATA
None? None! You warped wanker! We suffer twice as much as you.
Firstly, we give birth to these men which you promptly send off to war...
590
MAGISTRATE:(Interrupts her)
Oh,shut up you stupid woman! Let’s forget all this stuff!
LYSISTRATA(Ignoring the interruption)
…and secondly, we women, ought to be enjoying the prime of our life - which is now! Because of all these campaigns of yours, we all go to bed alone these days. And it’s not only us who are suffering but our daughters, too, whose prime is passing them even faster. They’re in there, in their rooms, totally alone.
MAGISTRATE:
And don’t men get old, too?
595
LYSISTRATA
You think it’s the same? When a man comes back from his battle, even if he’s old and grey, he can still find a fuck, whereas a woman’s prime races by and if no one grabs it, she’ll never get a fuck! So, the poor thing just sits there, in her room, all alone, reading marriage omens!
MAGISTRATE: (Coyly)
Well, yes, if a man can still get it up…
LYSISTRATA (This time she interrupts him angrily.)
War suffering! Bah! You obviously know nothing about real suffering, so… so why don’t you just drop dead, hey?
(She looks about her.)
Here you are! Here’s a perfect spot for you! I’ll get you a coffin and bake you the burial cake... and here!
(takes out a garland from a basket and throws it around his neck)
Crown yourself with this.
THE REST OF THE WOMEN GATHER AROUND HIM AND WITH HILARITY AND DERISION, DRESS HIM UP AS A CORPSE.
STRATYLLIS:
Hang on a minute!
(Takes out a ribbon from the basket and wraps it around him)
And take this from me, too.
KALLYKI::(Takes out a wreath and puts it on his head)
And this from me.
605
LYSISTRATA
Need anything else? No? Well? Hop on the boat, then!
(Puts hand to her ear)
Hear that? It’s Charon calling you. Go on! Hop it! What’s holding you back? Cark it, you old kook!
MAGISTRATE:
My God, the things I have to endure! Right! That’s it! I’m off to show my brother magistrates what they’ve done to me! I’ll go exactly as I am! Just like this!
MAGISTRATE AND SKYTHIANS EXIT, STAGE LEFT.
THE WOMEN BURST INTO LAUGHTER.
LYSISTRATA
(Shouting behind him)
Don’t complain that we didn’t give you a good funeral… and we’ll give you your the proper three-day memorial the day after tomorrow, if you want!
SATISFIED AND WITH LAUGHTER, LYSISTRATA, CALONIKI, MYRRHINI AND THE SKYTHIAN WOMAN ARCHER LEAVE THE STAGE THROUGH THE GATES OF THE ACROPOLIS.
Scene 3
614
DRAKIS:
(Moves with his men towards the centre of the battle. He is totally bemused for a few seconds as the scene changes. Then, agitated and determined, he stares his enemy in the face and,)
Right! Right! All right then! Time for all free men to stand up and get ready for action. Right! (Takes off his cloak)
Right! Let’s strip, men and let’s just examine this huge issue.
(His limp phallus becomes even more conspicuous now that he’s taken off his cloak)
Right!
HIS MEN FOLLOW SUIT
PHADRIAS:
(Suddenly hit by the smell which resulted from their last action)
Buh! I can smell something very foul around here. (Becoming serious)
In fact, I can smell Hippias’ rule of tyranny behind all this. I can smell Hippias’ type of dilemma: horsey woman on top! I’m petrified at the thought that some Spartan men might have gathered all their women together and tugged them all off to the house of that womaniser, Cleisthenes, who, in turn, got them to stir up our women here to seize our funds - and my wages, my daily bread!
PHILOURGOS:
It’s grotesque how these women are running around alarming our citizens with ejaculations about bronze shields and about making peace with Spartans… Spartans! They’re about as trustworthy as wolves with gaping, and salivatingmouths!
STRYNIDOROS:
These, these are threads they are weaving to get a cloth of tyranny together. Ah, but, no! We won’t bow to tyranny! “I’ll stand aloof,” as the song goes:
(Sings saucily)
“Oh, I’ll bury my sword in the myrtle bush, the myrtle bush, the...” and I’ll stand -fully armed- behind the statue of our favourite tyrant killer, Aristogeiton, in the market place. I’ll stand there just like he did: at the ready for the ambush and… and…
(Pointing at Stratyllis)
…when this God-hated woman turns up, I’ll smack her in that big gob of hers!
635
STRATYLLIS:
Oh, yeah? You just try and your own mother won’t be able to recognise you when you get home -if you get home! My darling oldies...
(takes a hold of her jacket, rips it off and throws it to the ground)
first, let’s throw these to the ground!
KALLYKI::
Athenians! Let us begin our good work by giving our city some useful words. And it’s good and proper that we should give her some good advice because she raised us in absolute luxury. I, for example, when I was but seven years old, I was made a temple attendant. Then, when I turned ten, I was given the duty of grinding the sacred barley at Artemis’ temple and was also one of the participants at the festival, one of the bears, as we called them for which I’d take off my saffron robe and dance naked. Later -a beautiful young woman by then, I carried the string of sacred dried figs at Athena’s procession. The greatest honour that can be bestowed upon an Athenian girl!
KRYTILLI:
And that’s why I owe it to our city to give something useful in return. (To the men) Don’t hold it against me for being born a woman or for knowing how to fix these awful problems we are facing at the moment. My contribution to the common cause will be real men! Because you lot, you old codgers and tax dodgers, you’ve contributed nothing. All you did was to waste what your grandfathers put there. All that wealth they had brought back from their victory in the Persian wars. You’ve wasted all that up and you’re sending us headlong into bankruptcy!
(Drakis moves towards her angrily but she stops him) Any more grief from you and I’ll smash your jaw with my shoe!
DRAKIS:
My God! Is this not unbearable arrogance? Right! Right! All right then! Fine! I call on… all men with pricks and balls! We must all raise against this outrage right now before it gets any worse!
ALL THE MEN LOOK AT THEIR LIMP MEMBERS FOR A MOMENT. THEIR HISTRIONICS DISPLAY THEIR DISMAY.
PHILOURGOS:
Shirts off, men, so that they can see the man and smell his smell at once. It’s not right to turn our men’s bodies into stuffed vine leaves!
THEY ALL TAKE OFF THEIR SHIRTS
DRAKIS:
Right! Arise, all you men who wear the medals of the whitewinners of battles a hundred years old - and more! You, brave men who wear the white sandals! Ah, we sure were something then, weren’t we, men? Let’s now rise again, men! Let’s rid ourselves of this old age and let’s give our bodies new wings!
670
PHADRIAS:
Don’t let any of you men give these women the slightest grip on anything, because nothing escapes their greasy hands. They’ll be building ships and taking off for sea battles next - sailing against us, like that traitor, Artemisia, when we were fighting the Persians. And if they set their minds to take on horse riding, then we can forget about our cavalry! Because when it comes to riding, these women know it all! Even at the gallop you can’t get them to fall off! Just look at those paintings of Mikon, for example, with all those Amazons! They’re fighting men! So, our duty men, is clearly this: It is... (lunges towards Rhodippi whom she catches for a second but escapes him) to grab them by their neck and place that neck of theirs firmly in the public pillory!
681
RHODIPPI:
My God! Any more of this sort of heat from you, boy and… we’ll set loose our cunts on you! I’ll make you rush off to your little friends crying, like little shagged sheep. Behhhhehe!
Startyllis:
Right girls! We women have our own smells, too. Let them get a whiff of it girls! Take off your shirts and…
(rushes at the men)
….chaaaaaarge!
690
KALLYKI::
Come on then, one of you try and hit me, come on! Huh! You’ll never be able to chew garlic again, nor black beans, if you did.
(To Philourgos who had charged towards her)
One bad word from you and I’ll rip your testicles off… just like the little beetle did to the eagle’s eggs in Aesop’s little story. Chirp, chirp ouch, ouch!
STRATYLLIS:
Huh! And me? I’m not worried about you men. Not while my Lampito and that noble girl from Thebes, Ismenia, are still alive. You?
(To Drakis)
You’re totally useless! Seven rounds of legislating and still nothing! That’s how much everyone hates you! Just yesterday I had a party for all of us women, in honour of Hekate so I invited one of the neighbours, a stunning little whore, beautiful, like a Boetian eel, no less, but no, she wasn’t allowed to come, thanks to your stupid laws. It seems you’ll never stop all this stupid, aggravating, masturbating, legislating, until someone…
(lunges at Drakis’ phallus)
…grabs you by your groin’s dangler, tosses you about and… rips your bum apart!
THE MEN RETREAT PANIC STRICKEN. UNDER SUBTLE LIGHT CHANGES THEY COME BACK AND ASHAMED, TAKE AWAY ALL THE WOOD AND IMPLEMENTS THEY’VE BROUGHT IN WITH THEIR FIRST ENTRANCE. THESE IMPLEMENTS WILL NOT BE USED AGAIN FOR THE DURATION OF THE PLAY. THE MEN STAY AT THEIR TERRITORY FOR THE DURATION OF THE NEXT SCENE. A SMALL PAUSE BEFORE LYSISTRATA ENTERS THROUGH THE GATES.
Scene 4
705
STRATYLLIS:
(Expansively)
Ah, leader of this enterprise... leader of this grand scheme! Why have you come down from your lofty chambers? And why do you look so deeply worried, woman?
LYSISTRATA
The behaviour of bad women and their sex-clogged brains, Stratyllis! That’s why I lose heart! I’ve been spending all day long pacing nervously up and down!
710
KRYTILLI:
Why, Lysistrata? What’s up?
LYSISTRATA
It’s true, sex-clogged brains!
KALLYKI::
Well? Tell your friends! What’s the matter, darling?.
LYSISTRATA(Sighing deeply)
Ah! It’s too shameful to tell and it’s too heavy to carry around in your chest.
STRATYLLIS:
Well, don’t hide it, from us, then Lysistrata. Give us the full damage report.
LYSISTRATA
To put it in just four words, girls, “we need a fuck!”
TOGETHER:
Oh, my Goddddd!
LYSISTRATA
God? God? What are you calling him for? What’s he got to do with it! It’s the way things are. I just can’t keep these women off their husbands’ pricks! They’re constantly running off. One of them I caught scratching a hole on the wall that leads to Pan’s cave -you know, where Apollo did his raping; another was trying to escape by hurling herself down some lever-and-pulley thing, and another - this one decided to climb up onto a bird yesterday, no doubt hoping to fly over to that womaniser’s house, Orsilochus, but I tore that one down by the hair. So far, they’ve used every possible excuse to go home.
(Caloniki rushes out of the Acropolis, looking frantic.)
Here’s one of them now. Hey you! Where are you running off to?
Caloniki
Um… ummm… I really need to go home, Lysistrata. I need to check my Milesian wool. I think the moths might eat it.
730
LYSISTRATA
What damned moths? Get back inside!
CALONIKI:
I’ll be right back, I swear by the Gods, Lysistrata! Just let me go and spread my wool on the bed.
LYSISTRATA
You’ll go nowhere and spread nothing, anywhere!
CALONIKI:
So will I let my wool die, then?
LYSISTRATA
If that’s what will happen, then yes!
MYRRHINI RUSHES OUT SIMILARLY.
MYRRHINI:
Oh, what a stupid fool I am! Stupid, stupid fool! Hahahaha! I forgot my lovely flax totally unscutched at home!
LYSISTRATA
Here’s another! Out to get her “flax scutched!” Back inside, you!
MYRRHINI:
Oh but I swear Lysistrata, by the moon even, please! Do let me just go and bonk it a little. I’ll be right back!
LYSISTRATA
No, no bonking! Because - because, you stupid girl, if you do it then every other woman in there will want to do it as well!
ISMENIA, THE BOETIAN WIFE, RUSHES OUT SIMILARLY. THIS ONE LOOKS PREGNANT.
ISMENIA:
Dear God, dear God, deary, deary me God! Oh dear God! Oh, divine protector of births! Hold back this delivery till I get out of this sacred soil!
LYSISTRATA
What are you warbling on about, woman?
ISMENIA:
I’m about to give birth, Lysistrata!
LYSISTRATA
Birth? But you weren’t pregnant yesterday.
745
ISMENIA:
Today I am, though. Please, Lysistrata, send me home to the midwife, send me off as quickly as possible!
LYSISTRATA
So you’re pregnant hey? (She feels the bulge) And what’s this you got here, hey? It’s soooo hard!
ISMENIA:
Yeah, it’s a boy!
LYSISTRATA
Let’s see then… My god! (Taps at the bulge) Sounds like there’s something bronzey under there... and it’s hollow inside. Let’s see this baby of yours. (Lifts up her skirt and discloses the article)
Ah, ha! The sacred helmet of Athena! You’re not pregnant after all, are you my stupid girl?
ISMENIA:
But I am pregnant, Lysistrata, I know I am! I swear!
LYSISTRATA
And this helmet is for?
ISMENIA:
…in case I was overtaken by the labour pains while I was in the Acropolis. I’d give birth in this helmet… like the pigeons… so that the birth wouldn’t touch the sacred ground, you understand… and defile it?
LYSISTRATA
My God! What excuses! Yes, all right. I understand, now… No! You’re not going anywhere! You’ll just have to stay here for the baby’s -I mean the helmet’s- naming party.
ISMENIA:
But Lysistrata, since I saw the sacred snake, roaming about the temple I can’t even sleep here.
CORINTHIAN WHORE RUSHES OUT SIMILARLY
760
CORINTHIAN WHORE:
Me too! I’m going nuts with these owls! All damned night long! Woooooo, wooooooo, woooooo!
LYSISTRATA
Enough! Fools! Enough exaggerations! All right! Perhaps you do miss the pricks. All right! But don’t you think they miss you too? They are going through some very stiff nights themselves.
Believe me! Control yourselves, darlings and persevere for just a little longer, because… there’s an oracle about us and it predicts a victory for us -that’s if we don’t split asunder and begin fighting each other!
(takes a scroll out of the folds of her dress)
Here it is!
MYRRHINI:
Tell us what it says!
770
LYSISTRATA
Listen then:
“... but when the swallows repel the pricks of the heath cocks and flee from them and gather together in one spot, all their worries will be gone - and as for the rest, All-Cracking Zeus will turn the uppers into lowers and vice-versa.”
CORINTHIAN WHORE:
You mean we’ll be doing the riding from now on? Horsey on top?
LYSISTRATA
(continues reading)
“…but! If the swallows should split asunder and raise their wings to fly from the holy temple, then the world will be saying that there’s no bird alive, more lecherous than us, I mean the swallow!”
ISMENIA:
Now that’s one oracle that’s pretty clear in meaning! Very unusual!
LYSISTRATA
So, let’s not weaken when things go tough on us, girls. Let’s go inside. It would be a disgrace, my dear friends if we betray the oracle.
LYSISTRATA AND WIVES EXIT INTO THE ACROPOLIS. ALL WOMEN EXCEPT STRATYLLIS AND KALYKI MOVE TO THEIR TERRITORY.
Intermezzo
PHILOURGOS AND DRAKIS MOVE TOWARDS STRATYLLIS AND KALLYKI. THIS IS A SHORT FARCE THE PURPOSE OF WHICH IS TO CREATE A BATTLEGROUND UPON WHICH THE SEEDS OF ROMANCE ARE SOWN FOR THESE TWO COUPLES.
780
DRAKIS:
(To Stratyllis)
I want to tell you something. I want to tell you a story now which I heard when I was a young boy, and it’s about a man called Melanion who wanted to escape marriage so he ran off first to the desert and then to the mountains where, with the help of his dog and his nets, he hunted rabbits and because of this hatred for women Melanion never came back home. We, wise men that we are hate them no less than he did.
PHILOURGOS:
(to KALLYKI:)
I want to pucker up my lips and kiss you, you old chook!
KALLYKI::
Not with that onion stench in your mouth.
PHILOURGOS:
(Cocks his leg up)
Well, then, I’ll raise my leg up to fuck you.
KALLYKI::
Woah! Rather thick foliage down there, haven’t you?
800
PHILOURGOS:
Sign of real men. Just like Myronithes and Phormio -our great heroes! Their enemies certainly knew just how hairy their bums were!
STRATYLLIS:
I, too want to tell you a story, one to match yours. Once there was a man called Timon who had no home nor good looks. His face, in fact, looked as if some thorns had given it a work-over; looked like he was spawned by the Furies, really! So poor Timon, who was also moved by hatred, went off to the desert as well, spitting curses to all the men, because they’re all wicked! That’s our hero! Like Timon then, we, too hate men, for they’re all wicked! And we’ll hate them for ever and ever and ever. As for Timon, all the women loved that boy.
KALLYKI::(To Philourgos)
Want a slap in the face?
PHILOURGOS:
Oh, no, not a slap on my face! You’re terrifying me to death! I’m soooooo scared!
KALLYKI::
What about if I kicked your legs and smashed it to little bits?
PHILOURGOS:
You’d be lifting your leg too high and showing your cunt, if you tried that.
KALLYKI::
Ha! You won’t be seeing much down there. We older ladies like to exfoliate. I’ve shaved off all mine at night by the light of the oil lamp.
ACT 2
LYSISTRATA APPEARS AT THE PARAPET OF THE ACROPOLIS. SHE’S GUARDING THE PLACE. SUDDENLY SHE SEES SOMETHING, DEEP IN THE DISTANCE (STAGE LEFT) WHICH BOTH, SHOCKS AND AMUSES HER.
LYSISTRATA
Wooooah! Good God! Women, come here quickly, come!
830
CALONIKI:
What is it, Lysistrata? Why are you shouting?
LYSISTRATA
A man, darling, a man! I see a man… coming! Literally! Look, there! He’s coming! Hahaha! He must be totally in the grips of Aphrodite’s work, the poor man! Oh, Aphrodite! Goddess of Cyprus and Cythera and Pathos! May the path this man has chosen be the right one!
ISMENIA:
Where, where? Where is this man?
LYSISTRATA
There, look, by the Temple of Chloe. There!
CORINTHIAN WHORE:
Oh, yeah! My God! Who is this man?
LYSISTRATA
Take a look everyone. Anyone know him?